They Can't Hurt Me
by LordOfThePeasants
Summary: Johanna Mason didn't fear the e had no one left to love,no one left to love her,and nothing left to fight for.But during the quell,her obligation to protect two young tributes turns into her own ambition,she finds something to love,and something to fight for,and thus,something that can hurt her,more than the fate she faces ever could. "Make him pay for it." Alt. Ending.
1. Chapter 1

"They can't hurt me," I stated matter-of-factly, staring into the grim, pain filled face of the young victor, "I have no one left to love." I watched Katniss clench her jaw, pity evident. I turned away "I'll get water." I snarled shortly, stalking off briskly in case the tears fell.

I walked several paces into the woods and slumped against a tree, sliding down and letting the bark grate my skin through the thin jumpsuit I wore. I pulled my legs up and let my forearms rest on my knees, my wrists crossed and stared blankly at the unforgiving forest. A few dark birds remained but they did not call. Was it because their time was up for another twelve hours, or because I had no one?

The reality was that the capitol could have recreated the voices if they wanted to, based off my families interviews as they'd presumably done with the others. In some sick way, I almost wanted to hear them scream, just so I could hear their voices. My mother, my dad. My brother, Cren. And even Praid. He had been the victor two years prior, and was three years older. His curly auburn hair and light brown eyes, his smile and gentle face, marred by a scar sustained in his games, didn't detract from his looks, not in my opinion.

Yes, I loved him. He was killed by a vengeful peace keeper one day. That peace keeper was from District Two, and had three children. One was killed by Praid, as a result, the father shot and killed him, then moved on to my family. I apparently had killed his only son. I will never forget the mans sharp, narrow face, dark brown eyes, and almost black hair. And that man, I believe, would never forgive the capitol, for his third daughter, significantly younger, was killed in Katniss' year, by the hulking boy from eleven.

I shuddered, wondering where the pain stricken father was now. Dead? Imprisioned? Or had the capitol taken his side, and blamed my family and Praid for their deaths? Regardless, I'm sure I felt the same as he. He had nothing. His three children were murdered. I had lost my family, and the man who I loved.

I had no one left to love.

But that wasn't true. I loved Blight, though he had just been killed, not that he was much company, always being drunk and all.

I loved Finnick. Platonically, obviously. But he did not love me in any way. We were friends, allies.

I was growing to love Katniss. As a sister? Or a daughter? Or maybe even as friends. I admired her. She volunteered her life to save her sister, and ended up volunteering it twice. I didn't miss the look of terror in her eyes when she said Snow made her wear her wedding dress. The Monster was threatening the girl, and she was doing everything she could to save those she loved, to make sure she wasn't alone, like me. I respected her.

But more than that, I'm not sure where it came from. I wanted her safe. We _needed_ her if we could revolt. _I _needed her to make sure no one ever felt the pain I did. Yes, I loved her for being what I needed, and for being the hero she is. But she hates me, or at least, feels frustrated with me, and doesn't trust me.

So yes, I do have people left I love. I have no one left to love me.

I have nothing worth living for, but I have plenty worth dying for. The boy, because without him the girl would give up. The girl, for everything hinges on her. Change.

My long-sought revenge.

Safety.

I stood, and grabbed a coconut as I walked back to the beach. Katniss had her back to me, so I took my axe and drove the point into the shell to crack it, making the young girl flinch. I smirked and handed to her. She reached for it and put one of her hands over mine.

"Thank you." She said, squeezing my hand. Her eyes bore into mine and I could feel how weighted they were. I could see trust, and maybe affection? I smiled back and nodded, backing away.

People worth dying for.

I remembered a few moments before, when we were on the cornucopia island, and it began spinning. I was clinging on when I was aware of Katniss sliding away. I lunged back and grabbed her hand, driving my axe into the earth. I gripped tightly, yelling in effort, feeling her hand slowly slip. I would lose her, I knew that, but hopefully the spinning would stop or slow down before my grip broke, otherwise she could drown. Through the chaos and spray her gaze connected with mine. Fear was evident, but something else as well. Her eyes flashed briefly to our tightly clasped hands, then back at me, and I could see sorrow and pain, now. She knew I couldn't hold her, she knew she couldn't last. And then it happened. She was flung away, suddenly. Had she loosened her grip? Had I? I was suddenly aware that I was screaming, and then it stopped. Katniss dragged herself weakly up, and I pulled her the rest of the way onto the island, rubbing her back. Her hand found mine again and squeezed, a silent 'thank you'.

His crazy plan would ensue chaos, and was only a risky decoy for the real plan. I had to save Katniss, whatever the cost, and Finnick had to save Peeta.

We would both die. We knew that much.

The coil snapped, and it all went wrong. I had to break Katniss' trust. I had to hurt her. I slammed the coil against her head and pinned her, slicing open her arm, I pulled out the small tracker and crushed it with my axe. Her blood pooled in my hand and I pressed it against her neck and face.

I hurled my axe at Brutus, screaming in furry. I missed, and took off the other way.

"COME ON!" Enoboria yelled. _FOLLOW ME. _I pleaded mentally. They were.

"JOHANNA!" Finnick's yell echoed behind me, and suddenly

_BOOM!_

_No. _I thought worriedly. Turned around as Enobaria launched herself at me, teeth grazing my cheek. Swung the axe down at myself, connecting with her spine.

_BOOM!_

I heard the loud zap of the force field the same as when Blight hit it. Then a scream, Katniss.

Then silence. For several minutes. Then Finnick's voice:

"Remember who the enemy is." He was talking to her. I saw them, up the hill slightly, her arrow trained on him. Where was the boy? Could he have been one of the cannons? Then where was Brutus? "KATNISS GET AWAY FROM THE TREE! KATNISS NO!"

Then lightning struck

The arrow flew

She screamed

Finnick screamed

I screamed

It all crumbled away.

I never got my tracker out, and my axe had blown out of my hand.

Had Finnick gotten Peeta's out? Was Peeta even alive?

I watched the basket-like claw of the hover craft descend on me, and I knew it wasn't thirteen. I prayed for execution, but I knew I was too valuable. I'd be tortured. Was Katniss alive? Peeta? Finnick?

If Katniss lived, I prayed someone would tell her everything. I prayed that she'd know I didn't want to hurt her. No, this plan went too ary. We were all supposed to make it on. Even Brutus and Enoboria.

I looked around the cabin of the craft and saw an unconscious blonde form.

Dammit. Peeta.

Nineteen had been killed.

Five survived.

And two were in for hell. The plan had not gone how it was supposed to. We were all supposed to have made it out. But if anyone, it should have been Beetee or Finnick on that table.

_I'm so sorry Katniss._

_Make him pay for it._

_For what he's done to you, and your family, and to Peeta, and to me._

At this time I was locked in a cell. I could hear Peeta in the block beside mine, wailing in pain. A masked figure came in, with a whip that was electrically charged.

SLASH

_Make him pay._

SLASH

_Please._

SLASH

_I'm so sorry._

SLASH

_Make it worth it. Make it worth dying for._


	2. Chapter 2

**So the story was only supposed to be a one-shot but people requested more, so I'll see where this goes! (:**

"_If you don't do what Snow wants, he kills someone you love." _

I refused to be prostituted. I saw no reason people could see me as desirable, yet, people seemed to want me. I assumed it was the fame and glory I carried. And my pride, which was what fueled me to refuse being 'rented out', as it were. What did I have to lose? My family was killed already, by a vengeful district two peacekeeper. I shot up from where I was laying on the floor, searing pain shooting from deep within my bones.

District two.

Peacekeeper.

Connected almost directly to the capitol.

No, it had not been vengeance. It had been a sick coincidence. Or perhaps a volunteer mission. Snow had sent the man to kill all those I loved, he's the reason I have no one anymore.

I screamed at the top of my voice in fury and hurt and fear, and on the other side of the wall, a scream answers me. Peeta.

The door swung open, and three masked figures grabbed me, hauling me down the hall. I kept screaming, my eyes screwed shut. Last time I kept my eyes open while being pulled into the chamber, I saw things I wish I hadn't. Suddenly my mouth was filled with water, my lungs empty of air.

_Let me drown this time._ I pleaded silently. Darkness started rising behind my eyes, and just as it was about to consume me, I was yanked out and thrown onto a table, where I was strapped down. I tensed up in anticipation as the shocks came, screaming in agony.

_Make it stop, make my heart stop. Let me die, please. _

It was a horrible searing pain in every nerve of my body, jarring through my bones. I ached. I don't know how long it lasted this time, I tried to distract myself by thinking of other things…of dying, of being rescued, seeing Finnick and Katniss again. I just wanted to get out. Suddenly I was flung off the table and dragged back to my cell, skin burning and the iron grips of the soldiers was like being held by fire.

How long had I been in here now? I stared at the ceiling of my dark cell and tried speaking, but my voice wouldn't come out. I coughed, and it hurt, but cleared my chest nonetheless.

"Peeta?" I called softly, my voice rusty and painful.

"Johanna." He stated blankly. I didn't know what they were doing to him. He didn't sound like himself. He sounded so lifeless and I knew that I couldn't bear to look at him now.

"How long has it been?"

"Six weeks," came is vacant reply. I closed my eyes and felt hot tears roll down my cheeks. Suddenly I heard bellowing and gunshots. Peeta's cell door slammed open and I heard deep voices. Mine slammed open, and people in grey rushed towards me. I screamed in terror as they pulled me up. I realized, then, that they weren't going to hurt me. They released me once I was on my feet but I fell forward, too weak to walk. One of the men scooped me up in his arms and held me against him.

"Back to the ship, now. We got who we needed. They need help." Then he took off at a brisk jog, back to a large ship, like the one that had picked me up. I struggled vainly and flipped out of the mans arms. He stopped, as did two others.

"Johanna it's okay. We weren't hurt you. We're from district thirteen, we're bringing you back. You and Peeta and Annie and E…We're bringing you back to Finnick and Katniss. You'll be safe."

Could it be true? I struggled to take in everything he'd said. About Katniss and Finnick and Thirteen and whatever name he had stopped himself from saying.

Suddenly I felt a needle stick into my arm and everything felt warm and I felt no pain. A soft black wave washed through my mind and my consciousness faded.

**Please review! I want feed back! Sorry if this chapter was bad, I have a bit of a writers block. Sorry!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: sorry for the delay…I wanted to make sure I got the details right for Johanna's arrival in Thirteen, but I couldn't find my Mockingjay book to check the exact details! I found it last night so, Here we go!**

**Katniss' POV:**

They were back. The rescue team had come home. But had the people they were rescuing come home? I rushed into the hospital room. Gale was off in a corner, something getting removed from his shoulder. I called his name, but before he could move towards me, a nurse closed the curtain, blocking him. Someone called Finnick's name, and an attractive and disheveled women crashed into Finnick's arms. He was crying, so was she.

I was in a daze as I walked forward, watching the chaotic scenes of people, and nearly ran into a gurney, and I slammed to a stop, staring in shock at the emaciated shape of a woman laying on it. Her head shaven, face scrunched up in an agony that was not shown on her nearly naked body. Bruises and gashes, new and old, covered her body. Her tightly shut eyes were sunken into her head, her lips pale and cracked, her skin a sickly grey color. Johanna Mason.

Oh, Christ.

Was she even alive? I looked up, trying to appear calm, so doctors wouldn't force me out of the room, but I was struggling not to sink to the ground and cry, or vomit. If the sight of someone who had nearly killed me, someone who hated me, and someone whom I may have hated (if not strongly disliked) had caused me so much unease, I was terrified of seeing Peeta.

Peeta, and his neat blonde hair, his warm, bright eyes, his heart warming smile. I was afraid, but my desperation to assure that he was alive, and be with him, choked that fear into submission. I walked in, to see him lying on a bed, eyes staring straight up. He certainly looked better than Johanna, thankfully (And not surprisingly), and certainly alive. I walked towards him, and his eyes swung around to lock on my face as he heard my footsteps.

"Katniss." He said. _His voice sounded strange _I thought vaguely as I walked towards him. I reached out to him, and he reached towards me. I expected his normal greeting to me, caressing my face, gazing into my eyes, but instead I got his big hand clenched tightly around my throat.

**Johanna's POV:**

I stared at the white tile ceiling for yet another hour of the day, struggling to stay awake. Any time I slept, I would feel an icy hand of terror around my throat, dripping onto my heart and stomach, and locking me into whatever nightmare I was experiencing, feeling heavy.

Some nightmares didn't make sense, why they had me seized in terror. _One night I was back in the arena, not the clock, but the rocky mountain range of my first games. It was just after I'd burst out of hiding, having killed a tribute from one and two. There were very few left. I heard a branch crack behind me and pivoted around, letting an axe loose just as I'd locked onto my target, aiming for their chest, not looking at their face. Blood poured ceaselessly over heavy white material, and a female with dark brown-black hair crashed to her knees. It was Katniss. I woke up instantly, shaking and whimpering. Why would I care if I killed her?_

_ Then, last night, I reentered the same dream. Only this time I stayed in the dream longer. I rushed up to Katniss and caught her before she fell onto her face. She was wearing her wedding dress, the same one she wore during her last interview. I moved her so I was holding her on her back. She was trying to say something, but her speech was garbled by blood. Suddenly, black smoke rose around her, like when she was transformed into the Mockingjay, only the smoke was sustained just around her body. _

_When it cleared, the body was President Snows. Blood still dripping from his mouth, the man laughed, and I sprang too my feet. He stood too, and as he did, I was forced on my knees. The man was unnaturally tall, tossing a shadow over me._

"_You can't keep pretending you hate everyone Ms. Mason. It is quite clear you care a lot about several people now. And you know what I do to those you love. I will kill them…or, maybe you will." He said, his voice cold and oddly mechanical. Blood from his mouth dripped onto me. I screamed and hurled the axe at his neck. As it hit, he screamed, and morphed into another body, falling down. I caught him and stared into the face of the male. Recognition hit me in the chest like the axe I had thrown earlier. It was Praid. Just as he had looked when he had lived._

"_This is YOUR fault!" he was somehow screaming, despite the blood flowing from his open neck. "YOU killed me! Why couldn't you have just done what Snow had said?!" He was weeping. Suddenly his body shriveled, and he was left as a small, twisted skeleton. I dropped it and leaped up. I couldn't breathe. I ran. As I ran, I sprinted past hanging bodies. Mothers, my dads. Praid's, again. My brother. Mags, Blight, Peeta. Finnick's dropped abruptly in front of me and I screamed and turned, slamming right into Katniss'. A scream tore through my throat again, yanking me mercifully back into consciousness. Haymitch had me pinned to a bed, a doctor standing above me, needle in hand. _

"_NO, please, don't make me sleep! I can't! I can't go back." I begged. The doctor lowered the needle into his pocket and nodded. _

"_Okay. Let her go, Haymitch. Leave her be." The doctor ordered. Haymitch released me and backed away. I was still trembling as the left._

I had been awake for nearly twenty-four hours at this point. My eyes hurt, and I had started seeing things. Colors were weirdly warped and moving out of place, which is why I settled for staring at the plain white ceiling. The door swung open and Finnick and Haymitch appeared along with Annie, who remained in the doorframe as the two men strode in.

"Books." Finnick said, placing a stack on the table next to me. Haymitch was much less graceful as his crashed onto the table, knocking over Finnick's simultaneously. Haymitch glanced at me quickly as he re-stacked the books.

"I heard Lover boy isn't so loving anymore." I said quietly as I picked up a book off the stack, examining it. Haymitch glared down at me, but I couldn't care less right now. I was frankly hurt that people made such a huge deal about Peeta, just because Mockingjay wanted him back. I met Haymitch's empty grey eyes stonily, and Finnick led Annie out.

"Play nice, Mason." Haymitch muttered, turning to exit. I snorted, trying to sound sarcastic, but it seemed to not work as Haymitch turned to look at me.

"Play nice? How? No one here likes me. I don't even know why I was brought back. Everyone is so worried about Peeta and no one cares that I was hurt too! Nobody knows what I've been through!" I snapped. My throat was tight from trying to hold back tears, my eyes stinging.

"Because you don't let anybody in." Haymitch fired back.

"Nobody tries! Nobody cares!" I spat.

"Quit the pity act, Mason. This isn't you!"

"Yeah. Go figure, traumatic events change people. You'd know that, Abernathy." I snarled at him. Angry color rose in the older mans face as he stared at me.

"People care, but they're afraid of you, Johanna. And as for why you were chosen, Katniss personally requested it." Haymitch spat.

"Probably out of pity, or some obligation she has, doesn't want to be indebted to me after I helped get her out!"

"See, you care about her. You wouldn't have gone along with the plan if you didn't care about her." Haymitch cut me off.

"If she cared so much, if anyone cared even a bit, they would have visited me. You should have just let me die. You should have told the little girl on fire that you just couldn't save me, said that I was too far gone. Because I am, Haymitch. I don't want to be here."  
"In thirteen?"

"ALIVE." I screamed. Tears flowed freely from my face. They had been for several minutes now. Haymitch left without a word, and I laid there, sobs racking my body, feeling utterly alone. It wasn't some pity act, I really felt it. Empty, and alone. Maybe Finnick cared, but he was so preoccupied with Annie that he never stopped by. Haymitch clearly didn't care. And if Katniss cared, she would have come by. I knew she wasn't busy. She wasn't visiting Peeta, and I knew she didn't have any other obligations keeping her away. She was probably just moping in her bed.

I was so alone, and I really wish they'd left me in the capital.

I wish I had just done what President Snow said.


	4. Chapter 4

**dIMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter contains trigger warnings for suicide, please do not read if this is a sensitive subject for you! **

**Katniss' POV:**

I stared down at Johanna's limp form. She had a tube of bluish liquid dripping through a tube on her arm, oxygen tubes winding up into her nose. This was the new arrangement, putting her into a special type of medically-induced coma so she wouldn't experience the horrific nightmares that had been plaguing her for several weeks, making her sleep painful to her, and haunting her waking time. The blue liquid made it so she would not dream, and allow her to catch up on the sleep she'd been missing for several days.

Her condition aside from that had deteriorated rapidly, as well. She'd experienced fits of hysteria, screaming, and was placed on suicide watch. I felt my stomach turn, and I truly felt that my heart was clenched in a vice. She was so vulnerable. The woman who had been so snarky and cold, who had made me hate her, wanted to die, and it was all my fault.

She had volunteered for the plan to get Peeta and I out of the arena, knowing her chances of survival were practically nonexistent. She was forced to betray me to save my life, and lure two dangerously armed careers away from me, and was taken prisoner and tortured to the brink of death every day for over six weeks. They had wrecked her mind, and wounded one of the proudest women I've known to the point where she wished herself dead. I glanced around and saw I was alone. I needed to talk to the woman.

I reached forward and pulled the tube of blue liquid out of her arm, and looped it over the metal rack so it would stop dripping. Within moments she was stirring. But there was a problem, she wasn't waking up, but whimpering in pain. I grabbed her bruised shoulders and she let out a low moan of pain.

"Johanna…Johanna! Please wake up!" I hissed desperately. She feebly lifted a hand and gripped my forearm, trying to pry my hands off her. I let go and she slumped back onto her pillow. Her breath was quick and ragged. She opened her eyes slowly, wincing at the lights. I moved to the wall and turned them off, so the only source of illumination was a small bedside lamp.

"Ka…is." She mumbled. I gave a small, weak smile.

"Johanna…how are you feeling?" I asked. She raised a hand to her face, as if trying to hide it.

"-act like you…n't know…" She croaked weakly. I grabbed her hand way from her face, her palm and fingers were wet. She gave me a strange look , eyes red and moist.

"Yeah you're right…I'm so sorry." I whispered. She glared at me. It was a weak attempt, but something familiar from the young woman.

"I don't need your pity." She said. Her voice was low and raspy, but she was able to force out coherent sentences, at least.

"I know you don't, you never have. But I'm apologizing because it's my fault." I said sadly. She looked at me uncomprehendingly. "If you hadn't been forced to protect me you never would have gotten into this mess. You never…would have—" I had to break her eye contact and glance at the ground "You never would have gotten hurt. Johanna I'm so sorry." My voice was cracking and I swore silently at myself for being so emotionally weak when she had been the one to endure so much.

"Not your fault." She muttered, prying her hand from my grip. "I volunteered for this mission, no one forced me too. I planned on dying. No, I didn't plan on being tortured, no one accounted for that…" she paused to catch her breath. It sounded like it pained her to speak or breath.

"Just like you volunteered to die for your sister…I volunteered to die for you." She said. I was aware that she was looking at me now. I forced myself to meet her pale green gaze boring into mine. All the malice and coldness from her eyes was gone, replaced by something strange, for Johanna at least. She gazed at me with warmth and respect and vulnerability and candor.

"Johanna, I—I can never make it up to you, I'm so sorry," I whispered.

"Quite apologizing, brainless." She snorted, her old spite back.

"Thank God, I was worried that medicine had changed you for good." She smirked but something flashed across her face. "No, I didn't mean that…I know that isn't who you are…"

"Everyone else does." She said simply. I grabbed her hand again and she first stared at that, then back at me.

"Well, I know you're not. I know you're the bravest woman I've ever met, I know you're actually more loving and compassionate than you even give yourself credit for…I'm just sorry it took this long to realize. And Finnick, Haymitch, and Plutarch all know, as well. If they hadn't, you wouldn't have been put on the mission." She looked at me again, her expression the same mix of warmth and sadness. Before she could say more I picked up the tube of blue liquid and looked at her one last time. She nodded and I slipped it back into her arm. She was asleep within minutes.

**A/N: Hey, if you wonderful people wouldn't mind checking out my other stories I'd really appreciate it! I have a story "Sharp Knives and Soft Skin" that hasn't got much attention and I'd love to receive advice on how to improve it, please! Thank you! Have a great day.**

**I am sorry for the inconvenience that came when the wrong chapter was posted! And to make things worse yesterday I could not access my "Manage Stories" page. Here's the right chapter and thank you to those who pointed out my mistake**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

**Johanna's POV:**

I sat up on the hospital bed, pulling my knees to my chest. I had been taken off the sleeping medication several days ago, and I wanted it back. My nights were still plagued by graphic nightmares that haunt me into the next night's sleep without the drug, but since they weren't "quite as severe" as they were when I arrived, I was deemed fit to go off the drug. It would pull me down into such a deep sleep, I dreamt of nothing. It was ten hours of blissful blackness, which was about seven to eight more hours of sleep than I'd had in the two months before the games.

In addition to removing the sleeping drug, I was also being weaned of morphling. They didn't want me to be like the two addicts from Six. I'd learned recently that their names were Malt, for the man, and Crane, for the female. Masters of camouflage I wondered if that nomenclature had come from their painting skills, or their ability to hide their pain under yellowed skin and morphling.

I winced in pain as I swung my legs off the bed. I was not even close to being ready to having my morphling supply cut back. I moan of pain worked it's way out of my chest and came to a jarring halt at my teeth as I heard a groan from the other side of the curtain. I made something of a combination between a smirk and a scowl as I stood.

The Mockingjay had woken up.

Katniss had been on some mission to District Two, and shockingly (sarcasm) she'd gotten herself shot.

She seemed to think she was invincible, and that she could swoon everyone, even District Two soldiers, into loving and following her lead.

Well, I seemed to be the only one who had the heart and logic to remind her she was not that great. Well, me, and the shooter from District Two.

I snapped the curtain back and stared down blankly at the girl laying in front of me. Her face was twisted in pain, and she looked very wary of me. I instantly felt sickened at the sight of her for several reasons. One, her pained face sent me a jarring flashback to my nightmares featuring a ghoulish and maimed Katniss, amongst other people.

Secondly, the fact that the bullet never touched her but she was acting like it was agony. I had been through worse, as had Peeta, and Annie, yet somehow all of our time of being tortured combined, eighteen weeks of torture, was nothing to poor little Katniss getting bruised from an impact of a bullet that was stopped by armor.

Thirdly, her fear when seeing me. After the fact that I had saved her life, and taken six weeks of brutal torture (Plus several beatings on Peeta's behalf, more on that later), and she still feared me, and did not trust me.

I felt my face fall into a scowl as my green eyes met her grey.

"I'm alive." She croaked weakly. I snorted.

"No kidding, brainless." I mutter. I quickly notice her morphling drip and stride to her bed, sitting down next to her. She winced in pain and I smirked. "Still a little sore?" I mocked lightly. I didn't actually hate her. Really I just hated myself, and my repulsive personality, prompting no one to be concerned for me, rightfully so. I gently pried Katniss' drip from her arm, sticking it back into the port still in my own arm. "They started cutting back my supply a few weeks ago. Don't want me turning into those freaks from six…I've had to borrow yours when the coast is clear, I didn't think you'd mind." I say, staring at the floor. My pain melted away, as did my anger. Katniss gave me a sad look, and I knew she was fully aware that I needed this more than her. She dropped my gaze and I continued. "Maybe they're on to something, in six. I mean, they seem happier than us."  
"I want to talk about when we last talked." She said abruptly. I looked at her in confusion.

"Last time we spoke I sliced your arm open the arena, told you to stay down, then ran. Now, we're talking about morphling. What do you want to discuss?" I asked. She looked at me in alarm.

"Johanna, we talked a few nights ago, before I left for Two." She said expectantly. My skin prickled with unease, clueless to what she was talking about. "I pulled your medicine out, and we talked for a while. You know, that stuff you were on for your nightmares…" I stood up off her bed, facing her full on.

"No, I haven't spoken to you since the games," I argued. But I didn't even belief myself, I knew Katniss wouldn't. If someone had woken my up in the middle of my sleep with that drug, would I remember it? Was Katniss telling the truth? I didn't want her to continue.

"I apologized…for forcing you through all of this…" She trailed off, and broke my gaze, gulping. "And…you told me to stop, you said you volunteered to do it. Like I volunteered to die for Prim, yo—"

"Stop!" I interrupted, trying to get away from her. I yanked the morphling drip from my arm, the needle opening a nasty gash down my arm, blood splattering on the floor. I gasped in pain and Katniss nearly sprang out of bed, knocking a glass of water to the floor in the process. It splashed over my feet and I moaned in terror.

"_NO!" _I gasped. I was trembling now, water and blood pooled at my feet. Suddenly a black wave washed in around my vision, The last thing I was aware of was harsh whispers resonating in the back of my mind, a hot prickling on my chest, neck, and arms, and water lapping my body as I was engulfed by the choking wave of black and terror.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

**Trigger Warnings: Abuse, beatings rape, self harm.**

J**OHANNA'S POV:**

I woke up in a hospital bed, leather straps trapping my wrists and ankles to the steel bedframe. My face, neck, arms, and chest were all stinging. I had another morphling bag hooked up to my arm, but not my right arm, which is where it usually was. I glanced down at my right elbow and saw a long, straight gash that swept about three inches from my elbow to the inside of the middle of my forearm. I groaned, remembering what got me here.

I had taken Katniss' morphling, and she started talking about things I had said in the daze of my sedative, and I got scared. I had tried fleeing from her words, torn the IV needle brutally from my arm, Katniss had knocked a glass of water to the floor, that sent me into a violent barrage of flashbacks, and a nasty panic attack until I was "Neutralized" as the doctors call it, meaning I was forcibly sedated, and now strapped to the bed. Perhaps to stop me from getting out and having another incident, or maybe because I was pulling at my hair again.

When I was being tortured, I was soaked in water, the shocked, repeatedly, at the highest voltage a human could sustain several times without their heart stopping irreparably. The shocks burned me, not visible blisters, but my entire body felt like awful, bone-deep sunburn. These burns caused some hair cells to die, causing me to lose a bit of my hair, but not much. The rest, however, created an itch that was agony, it felt like I was being stung my tracker jackers. Perhaps, the capital put something on my head to create this pain, or maybe it was just the high shocks. Either way, the pain, combined with the emotional and psychological trauma caused me to yank and claw out my hair. I gouged out violent, ugly scars on my head, leaving little clumps of stringy, neglected hair that the capitol people shaved off eventually.

Suddenly the door opened and Katniss walked in, her expression unreadable as her eyes met mine.

"Good morning, brainless." She says flatly. I cast her a gloomy look and respond as best as I can.

"I'm alive," I said, hoping she'd understand my pathetic attempt at mockery. Katniss shook her head sadly.

"Barely," she muttered. "You tried choking yourself, and several doctors. That's," She tapped the restraints on my wrist as she settled in a cushioned chair beside me. "Is what these are for." I nodded in response, staring vacantly at my wrist as her grey eyes searched my face for anything. Lately me, my actions, my expressions, my emotions, had all been stagnant. My face an indefinite mix of either nothing, or a scowl and my voice deadpan.

"Ah, I thought they were for my-" I broke off, not wanting to describe my torture, not yet at least. I knew the day had to come where I'd have to share my story, probably on live TV to all of Panem for a propo, but not now. Not strapped down to a hospital bed, and not to Katniss Everdeen. I'd prefer to tell Haymitch or Finnick first, the former because he understands the loss I've been through, and Finnick because he's the closest thing to a friend I have. Ideally, it would be Peeta or Annie, someone who I could relate two, who's mind could fathom the cruelty's of the Capitol, but they were both too fragile, I didn't want to hurt them by resurfacing the dirty details of our time in the Capitol.

"For your what?" Katniss asked. Of course she wouldn't jump on my slip of tongue. I clenched my jaw and sighed.

"My head…my hair, so I wouldn't tear it out again." I growled. I could feel my face burning and I knew it was a precursor to what would inevitably come.

"You tore your hair out, I thought they shaved it." Katniss said confusedly.

"Oh, they did." I said. "They shaved off the parts that didn't fall off from being killed by electricity, or the parts I missed. Apparently the peacekeepers didn't like the patchy, stringy hair look." I said bitterly. My throat felt tight and it was stinging. I knew what Katniss was going to ask next, and I knew the answer would be raked from my throat, and send the tears. But I had to tell her. I needed to tell someone more than just the bare details of my soak-and-shock torture.

"What does it matter what they like? Why wo—" She broke off and stared at me.

"Well, they liked to be as attracted as they could be to me when they raped me." I hissed. My eyes welled over and tears rolled down my hot cheeks. My fists were clenched and my shoulders taught. I flinched as Katniss touched me, and then looked at her, desperate for an assurance of safety. Nothing made sense, I felt so vulnerable. Katniss grabbed my hand as best as she could with the restraints, and using her other hand, wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"You don't have to go on," She said soothingly. I shook my head aggressively.

"Yes, I do. I need to." I muttered. I took several deep, shaky breaths before continuing, avoiding Katniss' gaze.

"When they shocked me, it burned me, all of me, not just a blister from a fire, but as if they had put the sun inside of me and it was trying to get out. I don't know if it killed my hair and made it itch, or if they added something in, but it hurt, unfathomably worse than the rest of me. Some fell out from the trauma and from being burned, but I clawed most of it out, which was where the scars on my head were from.

"Every day, after a shock session, I'd be thrown back into my cell, and the peace keeper would rape me. It was painful, of course, I was virgin so the first time was bad, but it got worse. It hurt worse and worse every time, because the burning from the shocks was accumulating. Most of the time in the last week or so I fainted during the shocking, and the raping. It was a blessing, not consciously enduring, though still torture. After the peacekeeper finished, I'd be beaten, for a while.

"I lost track of time while I was in there, because I never saw day light or a clock. But it was a rhythmic cycle. Soak. Shock. Rape. Beat. A small break for rest. Repeat. It happened multiple times a day. I realized that Peeta knew the time after about three and a half weeks…twenty-four days. Because he'd been out of his cell and doing interviews. He told me how long it'd been, and I marked it on the walls, but of course, I couldn't tell time, so I would always be ahead or behind. Eventually I just stuck to asking him.

"Aside from being beaten I saw horrible things. I could hear Peeta being tortured. They didn't remove him from his cell for the tracker-jacker venom injections, or the videos. I could hear him screaming and sobbing and begging, and I couldn't fucking help him. Any time I was dragged out, I passed Annie. She was cuffed to a wall in the hallway. They never touched her. Never beat her, never raped her, never hurt her physically. They placed her strategically, so that she would not only hear mine and Peeta's screaming from our cells, but my screaming from the shock room, and the screams of other people. I couldn't tell all of the people they had in there, though. The old head Peace Keeper from Twelve, random rebels, the father of the boy from One in your games, Marvel. Yeah, he was real pissed." I paused for the first time and looked at Katniss. She was crying and clutching my hand tightly. "Cinna." I added numbly. She nodded bleakly. "They kept him alive for a while." She gave a choking sob and I tried freeing my hand to comfort her, but it was held down.

"Was anyone else alive when you got rescued?" She asked.

"No. Just Peeta, Annie, and me. Peeta's stylist team wasn't even imprisoned. Just executed out of the blue. Cinna died a few days after I got there, so he was only tortured for a week, if that's any comfort." I offered weakly. Katniss nodded.

"But you…and Peeta, and Annie…it was a month and a half for you all." Katniss said numbly. I tried shrugging but my arms wouldn't even move that far.

"You got hurt the worst. Peeta wasn't beat up too bad, and Annie wasn't touched…but you…you were so hurt." Katniss' voice cracked on the last word and I squeezed her hand.

"Forget it, it's nothing." I said automatically. I realized I meant it, too, suddenly. Because she cared. Someone cared. "And about what I said when you took out my sedative…I don't want to know, not right now, not unless I ask. But I'm sure I never thanked you." I said.

"Why would you ever thank me?" She said, sounding ill. "It's my fault you've been put through this, if you didn't have to protect me in the Quell, you wouldn't have been captured." She snapped.

"Yeah, just shot by you is all." I laughed. "And Katniss, if you hadn't requested my rescue, I'd still be in there, probably…hopefully, dead by now. You saved me. And no one made me protect you. I volunteered once I heard the mission." I said, pausing. "You volunteered for Prim in the first games, and you thought you were going to die. Likewise, I was fairly certain I would die in the Quell, all of us were sure of it, apart from Beetee. But Finnick and I knew we were signing up, but we volunteered nonetheless. I volunteered to die for you, so stop apologizing, it isn't your fault, none of this is." I said. Katniss gave me a small smile and shook her head.

"What?" I ask. She looked me in the eyes.

"That's pretty much what you said when I spoke to you after you woke up." She said, smiling sadly. Suddenly she pressed a button, and the holds on my hands and feet released. I held up my hands in shock and Katniss hugged me. I flinched bag, unused to this. It was certainly unexpected. I carefully put my arms around Katniss' back. I realized I missed this sensation, being hugged. The warm security of it. "I suppose it would be more appropriate to thank you, then." Katniss mumbled in my ear. I pulled back and shook my head, glaring at her.

"No. I won't accept it. I did what I wanted to do. I did it to bring down Snow so he couldn't hurt anyone else." I snapped. Katniss shook her head and walked towards the door. "Katniss," I called as her hand wrapped around the silver handle.

"Hm?" She asked, turning around. I held up my freed wrists.

"Why'd you have to wait until now to free me?" I demanded.

"I didn't want you hurting yourself, if you had a flashback." She said. I shook my head.

"No, because I realized then, when I was telling you, that I trusted you. I never fully did before. I had to, but I didn't feel it. When I'm with someone I trust, I feel safer…I wouldn't have been in danger." I explained. Katniss walked back over and took my hand again, then snapped the restraint back over it, doing the same with my other hand. I looked at her furiously.

"Please still trust me," She said ruefully. "But no one will be here…your nightmares…I don't want you hurting yourself, or worse." I clenched my jaw but nodded. She was right, but I hated being restrained.

"Fine, I still trust you. But know this: my trust is something seldom given and often broken. It's a high honor to have my trust in you." I said boldly.

"Now you sound like Finnick." She laughed.

"Shit, must be the morphling talking. But I mean it. He's one of the people I trust. Him, Annie, Haymitch, Peeta, and you." I explained. Katniss nodded.

"Haymitch, Finnick, Annie, Peeta, Prim, Gale, my mother, and you." Katniss said.

"How lucky we are to be surrounded by the people we trust," I said airily. Katniss nodded, and exited, leaving me staring at my trapped and raw wrist. "How lucky."

**Hey guys! Thanks for reading. Sorry if this chapter got too intense, I was just trying to convey they trauma Johanna's been through! Please review, and check out my other stories! Have a great day! (:**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

**Johanna's POV**

I was going to be released from the hospital, several days after my breakdown when I was stealing Katniss' morphling. Of course, my departure from the hospital meant my morphling would be gone, and once again, I was nowhere near physically prepared for this. My wounds from being tortured still stung, and my bones still ached from the high-voltage shocks. And my scratches from collapsing onto the shattered glass from Katniss' water still hurt, too.

The only reason I had agreed to go off the morphling was because I needed to start training for the war, if I wanted to go kill Snow, that is. I had yet to be assigned a room, or a roommate, because here in Thirteen, no one is allowed their own room. Especially not someone as self-loathing and unpredictable as me. I snorted at the thought as I struggled to button up my dull grey standard-issue shirt, the uniform for District Thirteen. Suddenly the door creaked open and I glanced up to see Katniss.

"Hey, Brainless." I said, meeting her gaze fleetingly before returning to struggling to button my shirt.

"It's good to see you up and about, Johanna. Really, it was upsetting seeing you like that." Katniss said. My hands, which had already been trembling (as they had been for over two months. I began to wonder if they'd ever stop shaking.) I had only managed to get the bottom button of the shirt, before hopelessly crossing my arms across my chest, hiding my exposed chest and stomach, as well as the ribs that still vividly protruded.

"Let me help," Katniss said, walking up to me. I reflexively crossed my arms tighter and flinched away, screwing my eyes shut. "Johanna," She said, her voice saddened. I cracked my eyes open, and she was directly in front of me. The ugly grey uniforms we were given were only slightly flattering to Katniss, and other members of the seam, where it matched their stormy grey eyes. "Since when are you self conscious of your body?" she teased.

"All right, Mockingjay," I muttered, voice shaking. I dropped my arms, and let my shirt fall open. Katniss' eyes scraped my body, over my ribs and bruises and scars. I could see sadness collapse the teasing smile off her face, and smother any glint of happiness from her eyes.

"I'm never going to stop being sorry for what happened to you," She said softly as she buttoned up my shirt. I flinched as her fingers grazed my stomach. It was a ticklish spot anyways, but the soft touch only made me think of the sick men at the Capitol, overtaking me, and pinning me, hurting me in a way so different from the shocks.

"I won't hurt you, Johanna." Katniss reassured me, abandoning my shirt and grabbing my hands. I took a deep breath and swallowed, suddenly feeling the icy terror melt away. I squeezed her hand and nodded.

"I know you won't…I trust you with my life." I said, meeting her eyes. "But you've seen me naked, so I don't trust that you won't try to make a move," I teased, winking as Katniss reached the top button. She laughed and gave me an odd look for a minute before I stepped away, adjusting my collar. "Thank you," I added.

Suddenly, an idea occurred to me. I turned to her, forcing myself to raise my gaze to her again. "Hey…I was wondering, if you'd want to be roommates with me?" I asked. She looked caught off guard, and blinked at me.

"What, you hoping to sneak an axe into my neck?" She asked. I snorted.

"If I wanted you dead I would have done it in the games, before you stood for so much." I muttered. I lay back on my bed, feeling fatigued suddenly. "Besides, we both need to train, and I'll need someone to drag my sorry ass out of bed." Katniss sat down on the edge of my bed and nodded.

"Well, I still have nightmares, I don't want to wake you up at night…" Katniss responded quietly. I snorted harshly.

"Sweetheart, I hardly sleep. You won't be waking me up from anything, unless it's a nightmare." I said. She gave a dry laugh.

"You've been spending too much time with Haymitch," She smirked. I shrugged; smile fading as I stared at my hands.

"He's the only one who visits. Well, I've seen Finnick about twice since I've arrived here; Haymitch tries to stop in nearly everyday. He understands I have no one."

"That's not true. You've got Finnick, and me!" Katniss snapped. I shook my head, meeting her gaze.

"Finnick's all wrapped up with Annie, which is understandable, of course. He's been waiting five years to be with her. And you've been busy with Mockingjay stuff, and trying to bring Peeta around." I argued. She flinched at Peeta's name and looked down.

"No, no I haven't been near Peeta…it's best for both of us, so he doesn't lose it, and I don't have to see the boy who used to love me." Katniss said stiffly. I gave an audible huff and climbed off the bed, arms crossed, staring at her.

"Okay, Brainless, look. You have no idea what he's been through. Every day he's heard me screaming, and granted, we weren't that close, but think about the arena, with the Jabberjay's, how petrifying the screams were to you, even Annie's. He heard that every day for six weeks, or more, I can't remember. That, in addition to being tortured himself. Being injected with venom, and hearing the capitol force it down his throat that you, the one person he loved more than anything in the world, we're an evil, brutal Mutt who ruined his life. Now matter how many times you're told this you won't get it. Not because you're stupid, but because you just can't relate until you've endured it." I pause before going on, letting her soak up what I've said.

"He loves you…Really, he still does. But he has a layer of pain and distrust on top of that, and we just need to dig through that. They're close…I've seen it. I've had to talk to him sometimes because I'm one of the few people he trusts." I mutter. She nods sadly. "And Katniss?" I add. She looks up at me curiously and I shake my head.  
"Quit acting like you don't love him. First time around you acted like you loved him…in the Quell I saw you had stopped acting and it was sincere but now…now you're acting like you just pity him, but I know you don't. Trying to tell yourself, and others, that you don't love him…it doesn't help, believe it or not, it is not a good defense mechanism." I said. She stood stiffly and locked eyes with me, and I was expecting her to repay the hard slap I gave her in the arena. I flinched as she moved towards me, but slumped slightly as she wrapped her arms around me. I tentatively hugged her back and vaguely felt moisture on my left shoulder. She was crying. I helplessly rubbed her back and stepped away, trying to harden my face.

"Okay, Brainless, let's go get our fancy new room. We have to keep our minds busy, stop thinking about things we can't immediately fix. Come on." I said, marching briskly past her. She caught my hand as I walked by, reminding me of the Jabberjay's in the arena, when she tried stopping me from going into their sector. I could tell by the way she looked at me she must have thought of something similar.

"Please…I…just feel alone, I need someone." She pleaded. I smiled and readjusted the hold, and started walking, Katniss in tow.

"Okay, so I'll be a temporary replacement for Peeta…but don't expect me to fill his role entirely, I'm not making out with you." I joked, opening the door.

"Yet," she teased jokingly. "And I know not to expect you to be like Peeta, you're far too prickly."

I laughed dryly as I rounded a corner, nearly ramming right into a charging Finnick Odair.

"Oh, hello!" He said cheerily. He gave us a quizzical look as he saw us holding hands.

"Haven't you heard, Odair? I'm comforting her. The capitol stole my dignity, self worth, and sense of security, but gave me a heart!" I exclaimed. He shook his head.

"Okay, Mason. Well, just in time, too!" He added, perking up even more.

"For what?" Katniss asked. Finnick beamed.

"Well, ladies, put on your fanciest dress and your nicest string of pearls, there's gonna be a wedding!" He nearly yelled. I abruptly dropped Katniss' hand, arms half raised.

"You and Annie?!" I exclaimed. He nodded, tears of joy in his eyes. "Finnick!" I yelled, hugging him tightly. "I'm so happy for you!" I let go, and Katniss took my spot, hugging him. When she stepped back she cautiously brushed my hand with hers, and I grasped it.

"Yup! And it'll all be filmed as a propo!" he added, then glanced at Katniss. "Peeta's making the cake." He added. Katniss smiled more at this.

"He'll love that." She whispered as Finnick charged past, intent to tell all of District Thirteen the good news.

"When he was imprisoned, I made him talk about the cakes to make himself feel better. It calmed him down," I explained, walking down the hall. Katniss' hand slipped out of mine, and I hesitated for a moment, before going on.

"Thank you, Johanna…and you're wrong." I turned and stared back at her. "The Capital couldn't give you a heart, they don't even have a single one for themselves." I smirked at her words.

"Yeah, you're right. Wonder where I got mine, then. Maybe when my heart stopped, and they restarted it, it suddenly gave me empathy." I snorted. I could see Katniss' face twist in pain, but I turned and strode down the hall before she could give me more sympathy. "C'mon, Brainless, I want a room with a view."

**A/N: Hey guys! So I made a decision to change the ending, so this story is going to split off from the Mockingjay (More so than it already has.) so prepare for more twists. Please review this! And my other stories! I want to know how to improve! Thank you!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

**Johanna's POV:**

I stood, arms crossed, staring out the small, rectangular window in the new compartment I'd been assigned. I could see patches of grass, and tree trunks, but no actually foliage. I sighed in exasperation, looking at the mostly barren landscape.

"Enjoying the view?" Katniss said behind me. I flinched slightly and snorted.

"Not exactly like my one back home," I muttered, turning to face her. "But I suppose it's better than the hospital." She shrugged and sat down on her bed, untying her boots. I wandered around the room, looking at the bland white furniture. I stopped at Katniss' dresser and opened her top drawer, before shutting it abruptly. It had her personal items in it, and I didn't want to disturb or degrade their value to her by touching them.

"Sorry," I said hastily as Katniss looked up. She shook her head and stood, undoing her hair.

"No, it's okay. You can look at my stuff if you want." I nodded and opened the drawer. It was the locket Peeta had given her in the arena, with pictures of her mother, Gale, and Prim inside. Beside it was a silver silk parachute. I unfolded it and lifted up the spile from the arena.

"Makes me thirsty just looking at it." I remarked softly. I put it back and lifted the small pearl that was next to it. I remembered the day, when we were all cracking open shellfish and Peeta found the pearl in his oyster, and gave it to Katniss. They then made some stupid comment about how coal turns into pearls if put under enough pressure, but as it turns out they were mocking Effie, their stylist.

"Is this..?" I asked, though I knew the answer, I was still in disbelief it had gotten here from the arena.

"Yeah… made it through somehow," She laughed. I laid it down gently and refolded the parachute, shutting her drawer. Katniss was gathering supplies for her shower and had her back to me, and I needed to wash up too. There was a pan of soapy water and a soft cloth Haymitch had gotten me to wash off with, since showers still mortified me. I yanked off my clothes, standing naked with my back turned, reaching for the rag.

"Oh!" I heard Katniss gasp. I turned around to see her staring at me in shock. Whether she was shocked to see me naked, or shocked by the full view of my scars and bruises, I'm not sure.

"Enjoying the view?" I sneered. She glared at me and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door roughly behind her.

I wiped down with the soapy rag, and even that was enough to get me shaking. I wrapped myself in a towel and struggled to pull on my clothes as Katniss came out.

"One thing about this shit hole," I muttered, finally pulling my pants on and reaching for my shirt. "It's so goddamn cold underground." She snorted.

"I suppose so when you're nude," I chuckled softly at her comment and fumbled with the buttons. I managed three this time, but couldn't get beyond that. Katniss was over to me to help before I even opened my mouth to ask.

"Thanks, Brainless." I muttered. I laid back on my bed, staring at the ceiling, enjoying the silence, the first time I've heard nothing for a while.

"Johanna?" Katniss asked. I sighed as she broke the silence.

"Yeah?"

"That comment you made the other day, about you and Peeta being familiar with each others screaming…did you mean it?" she asked. I nodded wearily, exhaustion and fear crushing me as I remembered the poor boy screaming and sobbing and terror and sadness and pain.

"Yeah…his cell was right near the room the dragged me into to torture me, and right next to my cell where they…and I could hear him, too" I said, afraid to talk about my own experience again. "They never moved him, so all while he was being given the venom serum, I heard him. It isn't gentle stuff. And he was aware, in the middle somewhere, that he was losing his good memories for you, that he was being turned to hate you. He knew, but he couldn't fight it. That, I think, was the most painful thing for Peeta…he was defenseless against being turned against you and it was breaking his heart…" I heard her muffled sob and turned to face the wall. "Broke mine, too." I said quietly.

"Did…Did they try hijacking you?" Katniss asked. I closed my eyes and stiffend.

"Why do you ask?"

"You said the venom 'wasn't gentle stuff'…I assumed you experienced...sorry." She said quietly. I opened my eyes again, focusing on the blank wall, and taking several deep breathes.

"Don't be…you're right." I laugh dryly. "They tried, it didn't work…maybe because of the electric shock, or maybe because they bled me so much, but it didn't work." I Said. "It hurt me, but it wasn't strong enough to manipulate me."  
"Why'd they do it?" Katniss asked. I was suddenly aware her voice was closer. She was sitting against my bedframe, below and behind me.

"To try to get in—In my head, make me hate you, too." I said swiftly, wincing. What I had almost told her was something I was specifically instructed not to tell her. That I was tortured for information. Katniss snorted.

"Well I'm shocked it didn't work, you already nearly hated me before you got captured. I involuntarily curled up tighter, pulling a blanket around me. Katniss' words seemed so cold, I was dejected that she sincerely thought I despised her.

"I didn't hate you, never did. Not even close. That's just how I am to people." I mumble, shutting my eyes again.

"I know, I'm sorry…I was joking, I didn't realize you—I'm sorry." Katniss said, standing above me. I shrugged, wondering vaguely if she could see it under the bundles of blankets. "In fact, I think you even like me a bit." I jerk around to face her, glaring mildly.

"Dream on, Brainless. It's…indifference." I explained loftily. She snorted at me.

"No, no, Mason. You care about me." She said calmly, staring at me with her arms crossed. I sat up in the bed and locked eyes with her.

"There's a difference between caring and liking, Everdeen." I snorted. She turned away to her own bed.

"Yeah, you're right…" She said. I watched her solemnly.

"Okay, now it's my turn to apologize for a poorly timed joke." I said hastily. She sat on her bed, facing me intently. "I do care about you, for starters." I explained slowly. "And I don't hate you I just…get…I don't know…frustrated, jealous." I shake my head and shrug, Katniss continues to stare at me.

"How so?" She pressed.

"Frustrated because of how selfish you are, this martyr, 'die for the people you love, die for the greater good' act, and it's not even an act, which is worse. And jealous because," I took a deep breath. It was hurting, admitting this to her. I felt more vulnerable than I ever did in the capitol. "Because you _can_ be like that. Selfless, compassionate. And because you have people who care about you. Everyone in this damn district cares about you, some because you're their weapon, and some because they actually care about you as a person, and…well, no one cares about me…Finnick, maybe. And Haymitch on occasion, when he isn't worried about you." I mutter, laying back down and facing the wall again. I heard her make some weird noise and then several beats of silence.

"And me," She finally said softly.

"What?" I said, shocked.

"And me. I care about you. I'd be dead if not for you. Whether by Brutus and Enobaria, or killed by Snow, if you hadn't cut my tracker out in the arena, I wouldn't be alive," Katniss explained.

"I still feel bad about hurting you. I didn't have to hit you that hard…" I said bitterly. "Besides, that's not caring, it's just you feeling like you owe me a debt. Well you don't. I know you were the one who requested that I be rescued with Peeta…you didn't have to do that, so now we're even. And after all you've helped me with, I owe you." I said. I felt weight on the foot of my bed and glanced, seeing Katniss sitting there.

"I wanted you to be rescued because I realized that you were one of the most selfless people I've met. You baited Brutus and Enobaria away from me, and risked Peeta or me killing you by attacking me without explaining. And I help you because I do care, Johanna…why don't you want me to?" She demanded. I glared at her furiously.

"Everyone who's ever given a shit about me besides Finnick has been killed." I spat. "it's a reflex reaction to not want anyone to care, because I don't want anyone else dying but then," I inhaled, my throat feeling tight and twisted. "I feel so fucking lonely, because no one cares, even though it's my fault…it's just such a mess. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you." I said, throwing my arm over my face, hoping to fight back tears.

"You aren't alone." Katniss said, grabbing my hand that as near her. "And people here care about you. Me, Finnick, Annie, Gale, Prim…"

"Only because I saved you." I spat.

"And because they realize you're a good person, a hero." I flinched as she said that.

"No, you're the hero, Mockingjay." I say, shifting closer to the wall. Katniss filled the empty space on the bed and laid beside me. Dammit.

"I hope you realize soon, that all the people here who care about you, it's sincere." She whispered.

"I'm sorry I'm like this." I mutter. She squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"You weren't like Finnick, huh? You didn't let Snow sell you?" She asked. I shook my head numbly.

"That's why they're all gone." I scowl.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's better, they don't have to see this awful world anymore. I just want them alive for myself." I say dully, absentmindedly running my thumb over her hand.

"You have people here now…you're not alone. You know, Gale actually likes you, quite a lot." She teased. I smiled vaguely at the thought.

Gale would hardly sleep while I was in the hospital, and he would roam the halls of Thirteen, stopping into the hospital occasionally to talk to me.

"Well, doesn't matter, I wouldn't give him what he wants." I snorted. She pulled my shoulder down to the bed, so I was staring at the ceiling, her eyes tracking my face.

"What?" She demanded.

"He wants kids, you know that. I can't give him kids." I said simply.

"Are you afraid? I'm sure you'll be a great Mo—"

"Not that, Brainless. The shocking. When the shocked me in the Capital it…it made me infertile." I said bitterly. "Didn't even want kids, I thought, now that I know I can't, I…" I trailed off, feeling tears about to breach my eyelids. Katniss remained silent and put her arm over my back as I buried my face in the pillow.

"I'm…I'm so sorry, Johanna…" She whispered.


End file.
